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If you still thought… is there silence?

This week is an extension of the mental meditation exercise of last week – to still, inhibit thought – this week add relax – because you aren’t doing anything else so…

A brief recap…

I have been attempting for several weeks now to get my site to work… let’s just say it’s still a work in progress… I have gone back and read the blogs I have written over my MKE experience… many of those that for some reason or another I never hit the publish button on.. many I had fondly remembered, but ultimately my recap has reminded me of how dang blessed and lucky I am that I listened… I took the jump and joined the MKE.

I decided to enroll in the MKE after running across it in 2010 as my husband and I had just ceased our war with a National Bank… and moved in with my Mother-in-law – with my computer office set up in her unfinished basement with 3 of my 4 children. (the 4th was smart, and stayed in the finished bedroom upstairs) my husband had said do it if you want to, but I’m not going to – take a course for free if you keep up the work. I’d never before or since heard of such an offer.

I joined Go 90 Grow after I just missed MKE in 2014 did Think and Grow Rich with Mark and Company twice before MKE started again in 2015. I have felt as if I’d come home since beginning MKE. I was fed by the exercises – the connecting, the reads and sits. The community – I looked back and saw something I’d never consciously recognized until this week. I posted a picture with back turned and ears plugged. I read my first blogs and they had life and pictures and vitality. I was moving my world into my ideal.

In December of 2015 I got shingles over my left ear and round the back side of my head… I used the focus and stilling my mind and relaxing while connecting what I wanted to get through the pain. I had survived a stroke in 2003 when I gave birth to my daughter, endured migraines for many years, but this was new and different, I didn’t have the answers… my overall acuity began to slip, I shrugged it off.

Aspects of my DMP are still being realized and have continued to grow, but much has continued to be elusive… I can see it, I can feel it – apparently I just haven’t yet put it into the words my conscious and subby both speak. My about me portion of my blog has had updates and minor changes, but one aspect has been basically the same… I have always been the boss of me – yet funny I have never put Autonomy as a PPN (even when I pick it in the exercise) in MKE – since December 2015 – I plugged my ears – stepped away from my core needs – Helping Others has been there more often then not, but not Autonomy??? Why??? Well when the student is ready the teacher appears, I guess I’ve shown up now.

I’ve not liked silence – I’m afraid – what am I if not my thoughts?

Silence for me has not been golden – it’s been the big scary monster under the bed. Until I have had the aftermaths of shingles and the lovely pain that has stayed I didn’t have anxiety. I’ve always been creative – scary creative and I have 4 kiddos and we all craft creative things that are captivating, but can be down right scary (hello, Mr. King, Mr. Lovecraft) I have figured that anxiety is that creative genius within us that goes unchecked – the guardian has left the building (hey did you follow Elvis?) and the creativity runs amok and with the natural negativity bias overgrows – in the body this is called cancer – it can be deadly and it’s part of our greatest gift when directed correctly…

I’ve been working for years to still thought and relax… all while running away from silence and feeding my creative cancer, anxiety. When the answer and gift has been here all along. Still my thoughts – quiet – full-stop – no big and scary – just moments of peace – imagine – Lesson 3 talks about the power, but I think the anxiety we as a society foster wasn’t a Hannel day problem (heard of just not this much) I choose to still my mind, I choose to stop the run amok creative and guard it. I choose to destroy the fear and walk into the silence, and reveal me – golden. I choose to be the boss of me – and my subby while I’m at it.

I’ll get my blog back… I’ll struggle to figure this all out and remember that it’s been easy before… Think a thought, then still it to silence – it’s a gift :).